Crown & Goose vs Gower Allstars - match report by the Grandad

With the inspirational words of our Glorious Baldy Leader to motivate
us... "Bollox to Gower - I'm gonna watch the Spurs game", the
Allstars took on Crown and Goose at Regents Park. Consequently this
report comes to you courtesy of Russ K.

In a notably altered pre-match routine, Mike, the stand-in captain
set about organising the team.... "I dunno where everyone is...
Where's Owen?... You wouldn't believe what time I got to bed this
morning... Glyn told me what to do but I can't remember - so let's do
something else.... Have I got time for another fag?"

After protracted negotiations, an unconventional 3-5-2 was adopted
with Treen in goal covering for the injured Bison, Jake right back,
Street made a return at centre back and Sav at left back. The five
man midfield featured the solid pairing of Mitch and Ricky in the
centre, unusually with Russaldinho floating in front of them, Owen
back from injury on the right with Jonny on the left. Up front were
Mike and Dillon, making a welcome but rare appearance.

From early on Gower were the superior side, dominating possession
and looking threatening. A world class 50 yard Owen through-ball came
very close to putting Mike through, and moments later a deft flick
from Kelly found Johnny who couldn't convert, a corner from Owen
nearly resulted in another goal.

In defence new-dad Street was as solid as ever, consistently out-
muscling his opponents, the reflection from his new boots blinding
the attackers. Jake was playing in an assured manner, giving it his
all which was admirable as this was his 2nd game in two hours, and on
the left Sav was reading the play superbly, outplaying the attackers
time after time and distributing the ball accurately to set up
counter moves. In one of these, interplay with Jonny led to a
dangerous cross from Russaldinho which left the keeper stranded but
just evaded the onrushing Dillon.

Eventually after 30 minutes the pressure told when a loose ball at
the edge of the six yard box was crashed into the roof of the net by
Johnny. A great hit - well deserved.

1-0.

Gower continued to rule the roost, instant chest control followed by
a quick-thinking lob from Owen narrowly cleared the bar, Dillon held
up play well, using his strength to hold off defenders and allowing
the ingenious Mike to cause problems with perceptive passes to
overlapping midfielders, but at half time the score remained 1-0.
Due to too much drinking, no training for three months, three visits
to strip clubs in the last five days and 6 inch blisters on his heels
Dillon opted to ref the 2nd half in bare feet. He was replaced in
attack by Danny. Jake took over in goal from Treen who moved to
centre back, Street moving to right back.

The pattern resumed, with the occasional Crown and Goose attacking
forays being smothered by good cover in midfield from Ricky and
Mitch, who was playing effectively in his usual relaxed style. Treen
picked up the pace of play immediately and his immaculate positional sense
left little in the way of opportunities for the Crown and Goose attackers. Slick midfield
interchanges led to Mitch, Mike, Owen and Jonny all going close, but
it was Ricky's quick thinking which led to the 2nd goal. Wide on the
left he set himself for a far post cross but instead cleverly slammed
an evil low right foot shot towards the near post. The keeper (a midget
outfielder) had obviously been studying Ricky's face, and failing to
find any sign of intelligence there whatsoever (quite understandably), was completely caught
out by this unexpected Mensa level demonstration of mental agility.

2-0.

Against the run of play a Crown and Goose corner was partially
cleared but was well hit on the volley by an attacker and left the
hapless Jake in goal with no chance. A well taken goal. Treen's
comment to Jake "I never let any goals in - and YOU did!" serving to
reveal a worryingly schoolgirl mentality amongst our Phoenix comrades.

2-1.

Unfortunately for Crown and Goose their goal had the effect of
raising Allstars level of performance. Time and gain Gower put
together slick and threatening passing moves which flowed from
defence to attack, and Jonny went close with a powerful shot that
landed seventeen pitches away. Maybe it wasn't all that close actually.
Normal service was resumed when a slick passing move involving Ricky,
Mitch. Owen and Sav ended with Russaldinho, who beat his marker on
the left wing and floated a left foot cross towards the far post. The
midget goalie could be heard yipping like a helium-affected Smurf and
leapt like a Seaman to push the ball over the bar. Given his size, this
would only have worked in a five a side goal, and the ball sailed
serenely into the top right corner of the net.

3-1.

A through ball led to a momentary misunderstanding in the Allstar defence.
Jake in goal was left facing a one on one with a determined attacker and despite
his best attempt to persuade him to do otherwise the attacker managed to hit the target.

3-2.

Streety had had enough of hanging around in defence by now and
started making beefy penetrating runs. At the end of one of these a
one-two with Russaldinho saw him flying into the box, but he found
himself well tackled (14 inches he claims... a cheap but gag I know... sorry).
Sav continued to play perfectly on the left and added an attacking dimension to his game,
joining the attack and drawing defenders out of position. Owen was
constantly involved and caused problems down the left, having swapped
sides with Jonny at half time. On several occasions he beat his man
but failed to find the attackers with crosses. Danny the new attacker
made some good link-play contributions too.

The next goal followed a Russaldinho free kick which was handled by a
defender in the wall and up stepped Ricky to bury the penalty. The
image of the monstrously giant, hulking, Godzilla-like figure of Ricky
slamming the ball past a babbling and terrified three foot goalie
seemed to encapsulate the very essence of the contest. Ricky, with his
usual decorum followed up by booting the keeper into the top corner too.

4-2.

The penultimate highlight was a frustrated defender who complained rudely to
the ref (Dillon) that he was fat. Dillon responded to this perfectly, by
coming back with a host of witty and cutting one-liners that would
have reduced the defender to a blubbering wreck. Unfortunately though, Dillon
didn't actually think of any of these ripostes until after the match.
Still I suppose it's the thought that counts....

The coup de grace was delivered by Danny. A beautiful flowing move from defence to attack,
reminiscent of the great Dutch "Total Football" masters of 1974, found Russaldinho in space. He floated a ball to Jonny on the right wing who controlled it with ease and laid it back to Streety. The sleep- deprived new father delivered a perfect cross to Danny who met it with a powerful header from six yards out.

Full time... 5-2.

In this game the Allstars resumed the fluid passing game which has
eluded us during the last two matches. All the more encouraging as
this was achieved in the absence of several regular players.

MOTM - Sav Capone. Strong in the tackle, fast and determined, he used
the ball to good effect and was inspirational throughout. I overheard
more than one opponent commenting on what a good player he is. They
are right.